I do NOT regret loving.
And love, I did, with all my heart.

I regret only that he did not love me back,
and that I was too blinded by my love to see it.

I am worthy of love,
and do believe,
that he would have loved me, 

oh so deeply in return,
if he had not hated himself so.

How long did I try to make you happy,
because that is what you do when you love someone,
all the while, you were trying to make me miserable,
so you could leave?
Years?
Years, in a desperate plea,
an attempt to make you dreams come true,
all the while, it made you hate me more.

This realization,
just this week,
unhinged me truly.
Cry. I cry always in the car.
Not just cry, but sob.
A rash travels up and down my arm,
at random times,
even while teaching.

When you love so much,
it hurts,
to find out you were loved,
who did not love you in return.

I feel like a mouse,
In this oversize house,
Of which, only corners I need.

The dreams are long gone,
which used to fill it, indeed.

Being dumped is horrible.

DESTROYED.

I'M SO LONELY> HE LOVES ME> HE LOVES ME NOT> NOT KNOWING IS THE WORSE>

I'm just a girl, who is wants this guy to love her.

I'm also a girl, who is oh so very tired, of begging him to love me.

My heart is strong, but it is wearing out.

How quickly one can plunge from hope into the depths of despair...

Sweet, moist, kisses.

Confused.

I help your hands,
to find there way,
to my waist,
or the small of my back,
perhaps finger tips caressed.

Places they explored with ease,
before.

It seems the more I welcome you,
the more you pull away.

The more I allow you into my heart,
the more you retain yours.

Confused...

Today was wonderful,
but now he is gone.

I found myself empty,
lonely.

I don't think I've ever felt so bad inside.

I'm so confused. And my heart aches so.

Today my heart aches.
It wants to love and be loved in return.

Today I feel desperate.

How come I feel so empty inside,
so compromised
after being with you?

It isn't suppose to feel this way...

It is days like today,
that I want to hate myself,
for wanting what everyone else wants.
For hoping, beyond hope,
that someone will see me as special,
Perhaps take my joy and give some back in return.

How long will I pawn my hopes and dreams,
for another night of not being alone?

I'm confused and scared. Not knowing is the hardest part. I want to move forward, but have no idea where to direct my step. I remain stagnant and stalled out. Time won't stop for me. Won't allow me to wait this out without taking it's toll.

He is sick. I know this. Will he get better? The question ever on my mind. To live in the pain he does, unacceptable. He must recover. To live with him without recovery, unacceptable too. I am stuck. Unknowing. Unwilling to walk away from my life, best friend and beloved while there is still hope. Time ticks on. Sometimes hope fades, allowing for the possibility of release. Will I be a phoenix? Sometimes hope grows, bring memories of happiness and dreams. A life built together. A partnership. A partnership hope is possible. Only hope.

Hope is cruel to me today.

I HATE myself now.
Why do I put myself on the line like that?

Through rejection I never learn.
Clinging to hope,
falsely.

Rejected,
Over and over,
I keep coming back
for more.

Do you think,
that I could ever learn?