I do NOT regret loving.
And love, I did, with all my heart.

I regret only that he did not love me back,
and that I was too blinded by my love to see it.

I am worthy of love,
and do believe,
that he would have loved me, 

oh so deeply in return,
if he had not hated himself so.

How long did I try to make you happy,
because that is what you do when you love someone,
all the while, you were trying to make me miserable,
so you could leave?
Years?
Years, in a desperate plea,
an attempt to make you dreams come true,
all the while, it made you hate me more.

This realization,
just this week,
unhinged me truly.
Cry. I cry always in the car.
Not just cry, but sob.
A rash travels up and down my arm,
at random times,
even while teaching.

When you love so much,
it hurts,
to find out you were loved,
who did not love you in return.

I feel like a mouse,
In this oversize house,
Of which, only corners I need.

The dreams are long gone,
which used to fill it, indeed.

Being dumped is horrible.

DESTROYED.

I'M SO LONELY> HE LOVES ME> HE LOVES ME NOT> NOT KNOWING IS THE WORSE>

I'm just a girl, who is wants this guy to love her.

I'm also a girl, who is oh so very tired, of begging him to love me.

My heart is strong, but it is wearing out.

How quickly one can plunge from hope into the depths of despair...

Sweet, moist, kisses.

Confused.

I help your hands,
to find there way,
to my waist,
or the small of my back,
perhaps finger tips caressed.

Places they explored with ease,
before.

It seems the more I welcome you,
the more you pull away.

The more I allow you into my heart,
the more you retain yours.

Confused...

Today was wonderful,
but now he is gone.

I found myself empty,
lonely.

I don't think I've ever felt so bad inside.

I'm so confused. And my heart aches so.

Today my heart aches.
It wants to love and be loved in return.

Today I feel desperate.

How come I feel so empty inside,
so compromised
after being with you?

It isn't suppose to feel this way...

It is days like today,
that I want to hate myself,
for wanting what everyone else wants.
For hoping, beyond hope,
that someone will see me as special,
Perhaps take my joy and give some back in return.

How long will I pawn my hopes and dreams,
for another night of not being alone?

I'm confused and scared. Not knowing is the hardest part. I want to move forward, but have no idea where to direct my step. I remain stagnant and stalled out. Time won't stop for me. Won't allow me to wait this out without taking it's toll.

He is sick. I know this. Will he get better? The question ever on my mind. To live in the pain he does, unacceptable. He must recover. To live with him without recovery, unacceptable too. I am stuck. Unknowing. Unwilling to walk away from my life, best friend and beloved while there is still hope. Time ticks on. Sometimes hope fades, allowing for the possibility of release. Will I be a phoenix? Sometimes hope grows, bring memories of happiness and dreams. A life built together. A partnership. A partnership hope is possible. Only hope.

Hope is cruel to me today.

I HATE myself now.
Why do I put myself on the line like that?

Through rejection I never learn.
Clinging to hope,
falsely.

Rejected,
Over and over,
I keep coming back
for more.

Do you think,
that I could ever learn?

Lots of whispers of sweet nothings.

Nothings is all I get.

Hope fades.

Just putting this out there: I'm heart broken, lonely and confused.

Hope can be so fleeting.

I let him kiss me. Now I'm all alone.

Will anyone ever l♥ve me again?

He writes me love notes that melt my heart,
Then treats me with indifferent frost.

Promises the moon and stars,
Delivers minimally.

Do I dare dream?
Do I dare move on?

I guess I have a "choose your own adventure" moment.
Paralyzed to turn the page.

Read on caringbridge from a friend today:
And through it all, she has been here - yes holding me, and holding buckets and making meals and making tea and organizing meds and calling doctors and taking me to the ER (crazy emergency surgery) - but most importantly being the someone to love who loves me back more than I can imagine....And the truth is, I'm not sure what's next. I'm trying to figure that out. The biggest kindness is that whatever is next I completely trust that she and I will be doing it together. Have I mentioned before how lucky I feel about that? So lucky.

Instead of feeling happy for my friend, I had a moment of self-pity. I did all that for him. Why doesn't he feel the same way about me?

And it is time to get over it. Sunk cost. Right? It is just that I thought it was an investment that would pay off with companionship and love.

nervous energy,

bodies pressed,

lips throb.

will it ever be that way again

?

BULLDOG snuggles calm my nerves tonight.

It is an anxious time, Feb 14th, without him.

Without us.

In fact, he annoyed me tonight.

More of the same.

BULLDOG cuddles and snores.

We will be old someday,
In fact, we are quickly on our way.

When that day comes,
Will we regret what we left behind?
Will regret who we left behind?
Each other I mean.

Will we anguish over decades of
comfort, companionship lost?

 Side by side through life's
triumphs and inevitable tragedies.
Only not.

Or will we feel
relief, release for our new-found freedom,
by then long discovered.

I'd rather not find out.
Happy ignorance, partnered
and nieve of alternate paths,
I'd rather choose love.
Will you too?

I feel broken inside right now.


It is pathetic. 


Why doesn't he LOVE me?

'Cause there's a side to you

That I never knew, never knew,

All the things you'd say,

They were never true, never true,

And the games you play

You would always win, always win.

But I set fire to the rain,

Watched it pour as I touched your face,

Well, it burned while I cried

'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!

I set fire to the rain

And I threw us into the flames

Where it felt something die

'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time!

Sometimes I wake up by the door,

That heart you caught must be waiting for you

Even now when we're already over

I can't help myself from looking for you.

Jilted...how I currently feel.
Jilted
1) rejected, spurned

jilt

   [jilt] 

verb (used with object)

1.

to reject or cast aside (a lover or sweetheart), especially abruptly or unfeelingly.

Definition:	abandon, betray
Synonyms:	break off, coquette, deceive, desert, disappoint, discard, ditch, drop, dump, forsake, get rid of, leave, leave at the altar, leave flat, reject,throw over,

back out, desert, disown, forsake, jilt, leave,leave behind, quit, reject, renounce, throw over, walk out on, alone, cast aside, cast away, deserted,discarded, dissipated, dropped, dumped, eighty-sixed, eliminated, empty, forgotten, forsaken, given up, godforsaken, jilted, left, left in the cold, left in the lurch, neglected, on the rocks, outcast, passed up, pigeon-holed, rejected, relinquished, shunned, side-tracked, sidelined, unoccupied, vacant, vacated

Antonym: LOVE

I didn't want to tell anyone,
but then she asked me at point blank,
so, I did.

Tears sting my cheeks.
Shame spinning around me,
Admitting I failed,
Failed at the one thing that was most important to me,
The thing I fought for everyday,
but he never did.

And why did I defend him,
Rationalize and downplay?
No big deal because I'm strong (illusion),
and I don't want anyone to think poorly again.

In that shame I remember,
Why,
Why this all came about,
That moment when I realized,
That the chose between,
Being alone for the rest of my,
and being with who he had become,
Was suddenly easy,
 Simple....alone.

I think I had forgotten all that,
Because I had allowed myself to feel hope again.
I still feel hope.
Which is why I didn't want to tell her,
but she asked.

I wonder many things.

Love him much. I know I'm strong either way. I will be okay.

The hardest thing would be looking again for love, because I love him. I would want someone just like him (only the troubles erased), which isn't fair to anyone or myself.
I will regret the baby, the loving family I so hoped for, but now may never had. I see my father getting old. Close to 70. Grandchildren he would love, though he has never said a thing about it. I see myself, a teenager when I entered this relationship, near the end of my ovaries peek time. That stings.

I regret nothing, except the timing for my ovaries. Poor timing.

Still, I am a strong, lover of life and will continue to be a strong, lover of life. I would like to share my life with another strong, lover of live. Will it be him? Someone else? Maybe someone like him? Or just myself?

For a planner, the not knowing is hard.

We are both strong, passionate, lovers of life. We will be happy at the end of this when we are on to the next thing. We are just not at the end of this yet.


My one regret is that ovaries don't seem to hold-up forever. I would miss that. My daddy is getting older. I want him to get to enjoy being a grandpa. Oh, did he spoil me. I can only imagine.

Your cereal bowl still sits on the table, from breakfast when you still lived here.

The hamper, I discovered, is full of your clothes.

Our shelves contain pictures of us when we were happy.

The whole house is full of you, but when I go to bed at night, I find it empty.
I don't want remnants if I can't have you.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I'd hoped you'd see my face & that you'd be reminded,
That for me, it isn't over yet.

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead", yay.

Nothing compares, no worries or cares.
Regret's and mistakes they're memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

~Adele

I'm okay. I wonder if your okay as well?

My husband moved out today. Oh sadness, I shall not let it overcome today.
Hope this will lead to a new beginning for US, rather than for each of us.

Bickering over laundry detergent and laptops because neither of us want this to be so.

Wasn't it just a few days ago that we went on a perfect date to get a break from this madness. Back to reality. Back to lonesomeness.

Your partner I was supposed to be, so I gave you chance and chance.

You took chance and chance and chance.

I was always strong. Strong for you, strong for me.
When did I become the type of person who let you walk all over me? Chance. Lie? Chance. Push around? Chance. Resent? Chance.

I DESERVE BETTER.

I have so much love to give. Maybe someone else can give it back to me.

You sleep in our nursery now, instead of by my side. I miss your quiet presence next to me while I dream.
No comforting rest anymore. Only sleep and not sleep.

Remember when we moved into the house? Remember how excited we were? So many dreams, unrealized.
Nursery sat empty for so long waiting for a fresh coat of paint, hope and new life.
Now it is filled with our disgrace. Our failure.

Remember when I filled you with joy? There was so much excitement then.
Now, my return home each evening fills you with dread. Dread that I might make you interact with a world that for some reason hurts you so much. Preferring to stay in your cocoon.

I grow weary of being a source of dread for one I love so much.

Is it normal to feel physically ill? I do. My stomach has fallen off a cliff. My muscles ache. My hands want to shake.

Now you want to stay (which is what I want so desperately), but your still not sure. You need to be sure and things need to change. Nothing has changed. Slow decline that lead us here.

Idiot me.
I spent all that time and energy trying to make him happy. Trying to give him everything he wanted.

He spent that same time trying to make me sad so I'd leave him. I thought he would love me more, all the while he was growing to resent me more.
Idiot me.

An awkward situation for all. Hate doing this to my family. They are so supportive. But I don't want to talk about it because I don't want to cry uncontrollably in front of them. Don't want them to feel sad for how much I'm hurting.

He is talking to someone who hates me today. Sure there will be a good Hannah bashing. Guess I should have know then. When they started to hate me, that perhaps it was him that turned them against me. FUCK THE WORLD!

Can't believe I've been dumped. I was married and I've been dumped. It sucks to be dumped by the love of your life. Why wasn't I the love of his life?

9 year anniversary in a couple of days. My entire adult life has been in this. Wish he was in it too.

Talking to my family about it was hard. Don't want to cry. Don't want to talk about it. Don't want it to be real.

Don't want to do anything but feel numb.

Wish I could just be numb. Numb to everything I feel. Is their Novocaine for a broken heart? Where do I get it? Ouch. It hurts too much.

Date? Can I ask him on a date. I like dates.
The sweet kind that you eat at least.

When I was a kid, I dreamed about saving the world.
As an adult, I couldn't even save my marriage.

Does it bother you that we are now just another statistic?

I've always strived never to be just another anything.
I've strived to be extraordinary.
Poo.

One of my freshman roommates told me about sunk cost. It is not something I have an easy time accepting. I'm thrifty. I like negotiating the most for my money.

It is going to have to be my mantra. Sunk cost.
I need to remind myself of it over and over.
I've invested so much. The lost investment OVERWELMS me.

Sunk cost. Sunk cost. Sunk cost.

There's been this point, in the middle of a stressful workday, where I call him.

We don't say much (likely because he is in the middle of a stressful workday). "Hi." "Hi." I feel more relaxed and calm with the sound of his voice.

I suppose I'm not suppose to call him for that anymore. Now all my days feel stressful.

Each day I have to drive between my two schools.
1.6 miles of tears.

It was cowardly to force me to end it.
I didn't want to end it. He did.
Yet, he forced me.
I guess we are all afraid.

Sincerely,
Alone

Wish he would have wanted me.
Wish he would have fought for me.
I fought for him/us everyday.
It made him resent me.

I share everything. He tells lies.
Selling a cover-up when one is not required.
   Erosion happens little by little.

Perhaps everybody told me so. I didn't listen.
I wanted to be happy.
I am not.

It surprises me that I haven't been mad. Anger seems far away. Just consumed by sad. Waves of anguish for the lost things overcome me. overwhelms and then resides. Every present though.

What would I give for a ray of hope? I suppose I've lived off hope for too long at this point. With hope, I never could made the first step out of despair.

There is more pain now in this new place, but maybe it is just that I have face that pain that has been here all along.

How do we tell the bulldog?
Does he already know? Will he understand?
We promised him a forever home.
The same thing we promised each other.

Please don't choose someone over me just because you didn't like how you were with me at times. It may be hard to remember, stuck in your cloud, but you LOVED who you were with me too.

Hello World. It's me. Hannah. Remember me? It is a little rough right now. You seem to have shaken me us quite a bit.

Future uncertain
and a heart feeling broken.

Time to heal. Time to grow.
Don't want to feel because, Lord, it hurts so.
Oh so.

I had no idea this was going to happen.
It surprised me to discover that this was coming for such a long time. I guess I was blind. Now blind sided.

Blackhole in my belly, sucking me into despair.
Strong back. Steal spine. Keeping me in the air.
Turmoil caused by two such contradictory conditions simaltaneously imposed.
Sustaining and obliterating. Destroying and strengthening.

Woe.
My world is a question. No answers to be found.
Always, I seek security. None.