Your partner I was supposed to be, so I gave you chance and chance.

You took chance and chance and chance.

I was always strong. Strong for you, strong for me.
When did I become the type of person who let you walk all over me? Chance. Lie? Chance. Push around? Chance. Resent? Chance.

I DESERVE BETTER.

I have so much love to give. Maybe someone else can give it back to me.

You sleep in our nursery now, instead of by my side. I miss your quiet presence next to me while I dream.
No comforting rest anymore. Only sleep and not sleep.

Remember when we moved into the house? Remember how excited we were? So many dreams, unrealized.
Nursery sat empty for so long waiting for a fresh coat of paint, hope and new life.
Now it is filled with our disgrace. Our failure.

Remember when I filled you with joy? There was so much excitement then.
Now, my return home each evening fills you with dread. Dread that I might make you interact with a world that for some reason hurts you so much. Preferring to stay in your cocoon.

I grow weary of being a source of dread for one I love so much.

Is it normal to feel physically ill? I do. My stomach has fallen off a cliff. My muscles ache. My hands want to shake.

Now you want to stay (which is what I want so desperately), but your still not sure. You need to be sure and things need to change. Nothing has changed. Slow decline that lead us here.

Idiot me.
I spent all that time and energy trying to make him happy. Trying to give him everything he wanted.

He spent that same time trying to make me sad so I'd leave him. I thought he would love me more, all the while he was growing to resent me more.
Idiot me.

An awkward situation for all. Hate doing this to my family. They are so supportive. But I don't want to talk about it because I don't want to cry uncontrollably in front of them. Don't want them to feel sad for how much I'm hurting.

He is talking to someone who hates me today. Sure there will be a good Hannah bashing. Guess I should have know then. When they started to hate me, that perhaps it was him that turned them against me. FUCK THE WORLD!

Can't believe I've been dumped. I was married and I've been dumped. It sucks to be dumped by the love of your life. Why wasn't I the love of his life?

9 year anniversary in a couple of days. My entire adult life has been in this. Wish he was in it too.

Talking to my family about it was hard. Don't want to cry. Don't want to talk about it. Don't want it to be real.

Don't want to do anything but feel numb.

Wish I could just be numb. Numb to everything I feel. Is their Novocaine for a broken heart? Where do I get it? Ouch. It hurts too much.

Date? Can I ask him on a date. I like dates.
The sweet kind that you eat at least.

When I was a kid, I dreamed about saving the world.
As an adult, I couldn't even save my marriage.

Does it bother you that we are now just another statistic?

I've always strived never to be just another anything.
I've strived to be extraordinary.
Poo.

One of my freshman roommates told me about sunk cost. It is not something I have an easy time accepting. I'm thrifty. I like negotiating the most for my money.

It is going to have to be my mantra. Sunk cost.
I need to remind myself of it over and over.
I've invested so much. The lost investment OVERWELMS me.

Sunk cost. Sunk cost. Sunk cost.

There's been this point, in the middle of a stressful workday, where I call him.

We don't say much (likely because he is in the middle of a stressful workday). "Hi." "Hi." I feel more relaxed and calm with the sound of his voice.

I suppose I'm not suppose to call him for that anymore. Now all my days feel stressful.

Each day I have to drive between my two schools.
1.6 miles of tears.

It was cowardly to force me to end it.
I didn't want to end it. He did.
Yet, he forced me.
I guess we are all afraid.

Sincerely,
Alone

Wish he would have wanted me.
Wish he would have fought for me.
I fought for him/us everyday.
It made him resent me.

I share everything. He tells lies.
Selling a cover-up when one is not required.
   Erosion happens little by little.

Perhaps everybody told me so. I didn't listen.
I wanted to be happy.
I am not.

It surprises me that I haven't been mad. Anger seems far away. Just consumed by sad. Waves of anguish for the lost things overcome me. overwhelms and then resides. Every present though.

What would I give for a ray of hope? I suppose I've lived off hope for too long at this point. With hope, I never could made the first step out of despair.

There is more pain now in this new place, but maybe it is just that I have face that pain that has been here all along.

How do we tell the bulldog?
Does he already know? Will he understand?
We promised him a forever home.
The same thing we promised each other.

Please don't choose someone over me just because you didn't like how you were with me at times. It may be hard to remember, stuck in your cloud, but you LOVED who you were with me too.

Hello World. It's me. Hannah. Remember me? It is a little rough right now. You seem to have shaken me us quite a bit.

Future uncertain
and a heart feeling broken.

Time to heal. Time to grow.
Don't want to feel because, Lord, it hurts so.
Oh so.

I had no idea this was going to happen.
It surprised me to discover that this was coming for such a long time. I guess I was blind. Now blind sided.

Blackhole in my belly, sucking me into despair.
Strong back. Steal spine. Keeping me in the air.
Turmoil caused by two such contradictory conditions simaltaneously imposed.
Sustaining and obliterating. Destroying and strengthening.

Woe.
My world is a question. No answers to be found.
Always, I seek security. None.