Lots of whispers of sweet nothings.

Nothings is all I get.

Hope fades.

Just putting this out there: I'm heart broken, lonely and confused.

Hope can be so fleeting.

I let him kiss me. Now I'm all alone.

Will anyone ever l♥ve me again?

He writes me love notes that melt my heart,
Then treats me with indifferent frost.

Promises the moon and stars,
Delivers minimally.

Do I dare dream?
Do I dare move on?

I guess I have a "choose your own adventure" moment.
Paralyzed to turn the page.

Read on caringbridge from a friend today:
And through it all, she has been here - yes holding me, and holding buckets and making meals and making tea and organizing meds and calling doctors and taking me to the ER (crazy emergency surgery) - but most importantly being the someone to love who loves me back more than I can imagine....And the truth is, I'm not sure what's next. I'm trying to figure that out. The biggest kindness is that whatever is next I completely trust that she and I will be doing it together. Have I mentioned before how lucky I feel about that? So lucky.

Instead of feeling happy for my friend, I had a moment of self-pity. I did all that for him. Why doesn't he feel the same way about me?

And it is time to get over it. Sunk cost. Right? It is just that I thought it was an investment that would pay off with companionship and love.

nervous energy,

bodies pressed,

lips throb.

will it ever be that way again

?

BULLDOG snuggles calm my nerves tonight.

It is an anxious time, Feb 14th, without him.

Without us.

In fact, he annoyed me tonight.

More of the same.

BULLDOG cuddles and snores.

We will be old someday,
In fact, we are quickly on our way.

When that day comes,
Will we regret what we left behind?
Will regret who we left behind?
Each other I mean.

Will we anguish over decades of
comfort, companionship lost?

 Side by side through life's
triumphs and inevitable tragedies.
Only not.

Or will we feel
relief, release for our new-found freedom,
by then long discovered.

I'd rather not find out.
Happy ignorance, partnered
and nieve of alternate paths,
I'd rather choose love.
Will you too?

I feel broken inside right now.


It is pathetic. 


Why doesn't he LOVE me?

'Cause there's a side to you

That I never knew, never knew,

All the things you'd say,

They were never true, never true,

And the games you play

You would always win, always win.

But I set fire to the rain,

Watched it pour as I touched your face,

Well, it burned while I cried

'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!

I set fire to the rain

And I threw us into the flames

Where it felt something die

'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time!

Sometimes I wake up by the door,

That heart you caught must be waiting for you

Even now when we're already over

I can't help myself from looking for you.

Jilted...how I currently feel.
Jilted
1) rejected, spurned

jilt

   [jilt] 

verb (used with object)

1.

to reject or cast aside (a lover or sweetheart), especially abruptly or unfeelingly.

Definition:	abandon, betray
Synonyms:	break off, coquette, deceive, desert, disappoint, discard, ditch, drop, dump, forsake, get rid of, leave, leave at the altar, leave flat, reject,throw over,

back out, desert, disown, forsake, jilt, leave,leave behind, quit, reject, renounce, throw over, walk out on, alone, cast aside, cast away, deserted,discarded, dissipated, dropped, dumped, eighty-sixed, eliminated, empty, forgotten, forsaken, given up, godforsaken, jilted, left, left in the cold, left in the lurch, neglected, on the rocks, outcast, passed up, pigeon-holed, rejected, relinquished, shunned, side-tracked, sidelined, unoccupied, vacant, vacated

Antonym: LOVE

I didn't want to tell anyone,
but then she asked me at point blank,
so, I did.

Tears sting my cheeks.
Shame spinning around me,
Admitting I failed,
Failed at the one thing that was most important to me,
The thing I fought for everyday,
but he never did.

And why did I defend him,
Rationalize and downplay?
No big deal because I'm strong (illusion),
and I don't want anyone to think poorly again.

In that shame I remember,
Why,
Why this all came about,
That moment when I realized,
That the chose between,
Being alone for the rest of my,
and being with who he had become,
Was suddenly easy,
 Simple....alone.

I think I had forgotten all that,
Because I had allowed myself to feel hope again.
I still feel hope.
Which is why I didn't want to tell her,
but she asked.

I wonder many things.

Love him much. I know I'm strong either way. I will be okay.

The hardest thing would be looking again for love, because I love him. I would want someone just like him (only the troubles erased), which isn't fair to anyone or myself.
I will regret the baby, the loving family I so hoped for, but now may never had. I see my father getting old. Close to 70. Grandchildren he would love, though he has never said a thing about it. I see myself, a teenager when I entered this relationship, near the end of my ovaries peek time. That stings.

I regret nothing, except the timing for my ovaries. Poor timing.

Still, I am a strong, lover of life and will continue to be a strong, lover of life. I would like to share my life with another strong, lover of live. Will it be him? Someone else? Maybe someone like him? Or just myself?

For a planner, the not knowing is hard.

We are both strong, passionate, lovers of life. We will be happy at the end of this when we are on to the next thing. We are just not at the end of this yet.


My one regret is that ovaries don't seem to hold-up forever. I would miss that. My daddy is getting older. I want him to get to enjoy being a grandpa. Oh, did he spoil me. I can only imagine.

Your cereal bowl still sits on the table, from breakfast when you still lived here.

The hamper, I discovered, is full of your clothes.

Our shelves contain pictures of us when we were happy.

The whole house is full of you, but when I go to bed at night, I find it empty.
I don't want remnants if I can't have you.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I'd hoped you'd see my face & that you'd be reminded,
That for me, it isn't over yet.

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead", yay.

Nothing compares, no worries or cares.
Regret's and mistakes they're memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

~Adele

I'm okay. I wonder if your okay as well?

My husband moved out today. Oh sadness, I shall not let it overcome today.
Hope this will lead to a new beginning for US, rather than for each of us.

Bickering over laundry detergent and laptops because neither of us want this to be so.

Wasn't it just a few days ago that we went on a perfect date to get a break from this madness. Back to reality. Back to lonesomeness.